Macaroni, Marriage and Mantra Monday

Happy Monday! Guess what I did this past Saturday? Go ahead, guess.

Did you say, "Stayed in due to one of the biggest snow storms in Philadelphia area history?" then yes.

Over two feet of snow blanketed the greater Philadelphia area and for a good forty eight hours while stuck indoors, I cooked a mean baked rigatoni, seven layer cookies, a yummy cheesy chicken dish and thought about Mantra Monday's post.

This Monday's mantra comes sponsored by the institution of marriage.

A few weeks ago, as we sat around the dining room table at my sister-in-law’s after a Sunday dinner of macaroni and meatballs, the topic of marriage came up. My two nephews who are in their twenties, my nineteen year old niece and other extended family rounded out the crowd as we sipped wine and enjoyed some homemade Italian pastries.

“Aunt Steph, seriously, I don’t see the benefits of marriage,” my nephew said.

Exasperated, I sighed and exhaled into a defeated slump. “How sad,” I thought.

After some anemic attempt to defend an institution I’ve come to know and love after twenty happily married years to his uncle- my high school sweetheart, I decided this was one I’d have to let marinate.

Goin’ to Twitter

Harnessing the power of social media, I sought assistance to answer his question via Facebook and Twitter. “My nephew doesn’t see the benefits of marriage. What can I tell him?” I posted.

My question generated quite a firestorm and the responses I got fell everywhere from “I agree!” to “How sad!” but as I began to gather evidence for my cause, it occurred to me what is missing is a more realistic perspective of love and marriage. Not a cynical perspective, like you see on TV shows like Everyone Loves Raymond or Married With Children but an authentic, candid, charming contextual framework of the promise of marriage and true love.

My go-to-guy is my Bird and so I asked him, “How do you answer the charge that marriage has no benefit?”

Real Love and Diamonds

My husband likened marriage to a diamond. It starts out in a very raw, unpolished state but undoubtedly precious. It takes skill and time to refine it into something brilliant and multifaceted.

In my practice as a therapist, I see couples frequently who are struggling in their relationships. The fairy tale they were sold as kids hasn’t materialized. Happily-ever-after looks more like, “What happened here?”

More often than not couples say, “It’s not supposed to be such hard work” or “This is hardly what true love is.”

Supersize Me

My sense is we have fallen victim to a fantastic notion of love and marriage perpetuated by a society that wants everything in shocking and compelling thirty -second sound bites, fast, super-sized, hot and steamy and now in only 140 characters. The sprint is the superior of the marathon.

By offering couples a reframed notion of marriage and love with a more mature concept, the couples I have the privilege of working with no longer feel “had” if you will and are more prepared to sustain flight in turbulent times, which they now understand are more a matter of if not when over the course of a lifetime.

As an aunt, I do my level best to dispel the myth that love and marriage don’t require heavy lifting periodically. A few years ago, my niece said to me one afternoon on the ride home from school, “Aunt Steph, I can’t wait for my wedding day. It’s going to be the happiest day of my life.”

I nearly ran off the road. “Honey,” I said in my best do-not-come-off-preachy- tone, “your wedding should be the gateway to a lifetime of happy. Not the defining moment.” TV shows like Platinum Wedding, sure are fun to watch but I suggested it is best to devote as least as much energy and time into the marriage as the wedding day itself, because the payoff stands to be immeasurable in dollars and cents.

What is real love?

A realistic view of marriage and love should include the understanding that the charm lies in the marathon not the sprint. There will be times when you feel more like walking than running and even times when you need to take a break-not literally necessarily but times when you need to regroup.

As far as the benefits to men specifically, my dear nephew, Men’s Health made this answer easy in an article titled “The Benefits of Being Married.” The top six included higher pay, living longer and even beating cancer.

Need I say more?

My mantra this Monday-marriage indeed has enormous benefits. The institution holds tremendous promise but does require time and nurturing in order to deliver.

This Valentine's Day, the Bird and I celebrate twenty-five years since our first date. He just old enough to legally drive and me, just old enough to vote he gave me a card after school asking me to be his Valentine and for the last 25 yrs I've said a resounding YES!

What do you think about marriage?