I Asked and He Answered Me, The Empty Grey Hat & The Idol

You know what I figured out? Most days, I spring out of bed, figuratively dress like Inspector Clouseau and set out on the hunt-the hunt for the theme(s) of my day. Around dinner time I usually feel pretttyy certain I've nabbed the most cleaver post title to date and guess who shows up to the dinner table...some enigmatic character who calls himself Life. So, that's why I wait until the bitter end of the day to blog . Yesterday, the bitter end didn't come til waaaayy late and after a long day, I finally collapsed onto the couch to absorb the shock of Adam Lambert being in the bottom two on Idol (which for the record did not break my heart) and a conversation I had earlier with my husband-the latter what kept me from getting here last night.

The decision to leave my work in hospice care (I was the coordinator of the childrens grief and loss program at the only non-profit hospice in the state) was not made lightly or easily. Many reasons factored in to my decision to move on but one reason in particular is that I was counseling people to live by various credos and I had to live by those same credos myself-really fully live them. In order to do that with any sense of integrity, I knew I had to leave. In my book I am writing about this in greater detail but in the meantime, guess what? Sometimes, that feels like a lot of pressure and I'm &^%$# sorry I have integrity.

Last night, I asked my husband a question about something going on in my life and he answered me! He actually had the nerve to answer me. Women, beware. Only ask your husbands questions you are sure you can handle the answers to. Here's where the authenticity comes in. I had to listen- listen the way I advise my clients to listen. At the intersection of Who the Hell Are You Avenue and Live Like You Preach Street, I pulled over and gave some real thought about which road to take. Integrity eventually won out and I took the proverbial high road. But the lesson in all of this is effective listening techniques really do work. There just isn't any other way. My ego fought for center stage and I conspired with it for a moment or two (ok three, four, five...) internally, but I reminded myself how short-sighted it would be to give in to that intoxicating impulse. I must give my husband credit for his honesty. I like to think it is because I am such a fabulous listener but the truth is, he has committed himself to our marriage in a way only seen in the movies.

However, it did hurt my feelings and I found myself later in my bedroom closet sobbing with the grey hat my Mom wore to cover her head (she had cancer) during the last few months of her life. It was empty. Writing this book brings up lots of emotion and I finally decided to just head on in to the closet (it's a walk-in) and have a really, good, gut-wrenching cry. Frankly, it's been a long time coming and I needed to get it out of the way. An article I just read said this is normal when writing your life story so I didn't feel like a total weird-do. There on the floor, in the middle of the clothes she died in, I emotionally vomited (a phrase I coined early on after she passed away). Anyone who has lost a loved one knows of that which I speak. The time when the pain bubbles to the surface and it's just better to let it spill out. You always feel better afterward and now...I feel better.


Here's my parting thought.








When you can, use good listening techniques, in the long run, they work. If you don't know of the book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Life Time of Love by Susan Johnson, Phd and you have any interest in maintaining or developing a long-lasting, loving relationship, you need to pick it up. It's my bible personally and I always recommend it professionally for couples. On a different note, I am not the only one who has ever emotionally, well, you know...regurgitated, right? A simple yes or no will do but as always, I'd love to hear your stories. Stories are how we stay connected and remind us we are normal. So share away!